she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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