Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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