Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
