I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
