It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
