I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
