I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's never too late to be topless.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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