Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
