i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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