We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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