My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Randomize
