rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
