We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
