Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
