Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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