Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
