My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
