i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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