I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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