Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
