Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
