I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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