Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
