like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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