i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
