Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
