when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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