I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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