I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Randomize
