Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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