mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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