i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
