Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
