I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
