I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
