He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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