To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
