I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
