Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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