I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
