Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
