New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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