Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
