You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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