Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
