I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
