I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
