He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
