No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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