I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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