Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
