Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
