walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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