I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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