my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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