I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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