Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
