Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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