I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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