I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
