i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
