my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
