Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
