There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
