You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
