We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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